I choose you, Pikachu!

Now that I remembered that my Tumblr even existed, I thought I’d post again. So much has happened, I don’t even know where to begin. I graduated high school, and started my new life in college, studying what I’ve always wanted. The past few years have been filled with loss, disappointments, change, new friendships, and lots of moments where I wanted to give up, but I don’t regret any of it.  I’m a strong believer in the idea that everything we go through, both good and bad, has influence over us, and creates who we are to become. I’ve been asked before what I would change in my life if I could. I honestly wouldn’t change anything. My home life is far from perfect, I don’t socialize as much as I probably should, and I lose loved ones time and time again, but in my heart I keep home that it will all lead to something better.

For Christmas, I got a cupcake wish necklace from my grandma. It opens up, and you’re supposed to write down what you wish for/pray for most and put it inside. I wrote down a quote from a friend of mine:

“It will all be okay in the end.”

Through it all, that’s all I really want. That everything each of us goes through will be worth it in the end. Right now, I’m working towards that. I’m a Psychology major, so I can eventually become a therapist and specializes in either suicide prevention. I can empathize with the desire to throw it all away, but I’ve learned to see the beauty in life as well. I have the power not only to change my life for the better, but to help others change theirs as well.

I never bothered to believe in wishes or prayers before. Because of countless disappointments, I assumed it was pointless. What I do believe in is setting a goal to aspire to. It’s supposed to be a wish necklace, but I’m using it as a reminder to the future I want to create for myself.

Everyone has that power. Do what makes you happy.

I haven’t updated this in a while. I set it so now I can update from my phone, through text. We’ll see how that works.

I got back from vacation yesterday. We went to New Jersey for my older brother’s wedding. It was really pretty, and simple. I’ve never heard of self-unity, but it’s really interesting. There’s no priest, but you both sign a legal document, and two witnesses also sign. Perfect for those who aren’t religious, like me. I got to be a bridesmaid. I loved my dress. It was cloudy blue, strapless, and long. We stayed at their beach house in Avalon. It was amazing. You walk a block down the street, and you’re at the ocean. And it was huge! A total of 4 bathrooms, and 7 bedrooms. My sister Claire and I shared a room. It’s really peaceful there. There’s other people around on vacation, but you’re away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I finally got to breathe.

After the wedding, we went down to Louisiana to visit my grandparents, from my mother’s side. They live about 10 minutes away from New Orleans, so we ventured down there twice during the trip. My sister, brother and I stayed at my cousin’s house, with my aunt. I had never met her before, so it was interesting. She’s a really nice person, though. I really missed my cousin, Christine. She’s about 7 years older than me, but we get along really well. <3 I hadn’t seen her for roughly 11 years. But she shares my love of narwhals and cupcakes. So obviously I approve.

During the trip, I had a lot more lows than highs. I genuinely tried my best to enjoy myself, but I sometimes couldn’t. There were a few nights where I just locked myself in a room and stayed there because it hurt too much. During one of the times, I couldn’t bring myself to speak, and my vision kept glazing over because my concentrating ability was just gone. I had my cousin during those times, though. She always came over and hugged me and wouldn’t let go until I told her what was wrong. Sometimes that’s all it takes.

In New Orleans, I went to see a legit psychic. Like, he’s completely dead-on correct. He said that I’m a procrastinator (but do well at the last minute), patient, I worry too much, I need to update my glasses prescription, and I need to watch my iron. He also said that I’d marry once, never divorce, and if I had a kid it would be one son. I’ll go to UWM, and psychology was a good choice. The psychic told me I might consider going the criminal psychology route, working with prisoners and juveniles. We’ll see about that. xP This year may have been difficult, but next year will be better. But generally, he’s spot on. I find psychics and the occult very interesting. My brother thinks it’s bullshit, but I’ve always thought otherwise. I’m probably going to get some books on it when I get the chance.

I guess that’s all for now.

- Pikachu

I’ve been thinking that exact thing for a while now. I don’t see why I even bother trying. All I want is the ability to just give up on everything. I don’t even see why I’m bothering to update this. It’s not like anyone actually gives a damn about whatever I have to say anyway. I’d be thoroughly surprised, if someone does. A rabbit dying probably seems like a small loss to most, but it completely fucked over my emotions. I don’t even know anymore. All I know is how much my heart hurts all the time.

I’m going to shut up before I go off talking about something you don’t want to hear. I just still wish I could have switched places.

That’s all I’m saying for now. Or perhaps ever. Depends on how vulnerable my mood is the next time I update this.

- Pika.

I got a new phone last night. I wasn’t really supposed to, since my old Alias’ plan expires in June. But it was my 3rd try with that model, because they kept breaking in some way or another. The Verizon dude said that I could just use my dad’s upgrade eligibility to upgrade my own phone. My mom needed a new phone anyway, so we went with the enV Touch, since it was buy one - get one free. So basically, I got a free new phone. And a red case to go over it. If I could, I’d probably bear its children.

Back when my phone kept breaking, I asked Steven what model he suggested I get instead. He had an enV Touch, so he suggested that. And that’s why I decided to get it; just for him. <3

Getting a new phone won’t fix me. It’s nice, but it won’t. But I think having the same phone he had makes me at least a tiny bit happier. It’s a start, I guess.

- Pika

I found a blog post I made on myspace a while back. Like, almost a year ago. It’s one of those that you can read over again and pull something out of it. Because of how my overall mood has been lately, it doesn’t help as much as it used to. But I figured I’d post it on here in case it has a chance of helping anyone else. Not that anything I’d write would be worth an impact, but I guess it’s my way of trying to help those that I don’t know if even I can help. It’s worth a shot.

Here it is:

2/26/09 - I suppose you could call it an epiphany…

Lately has gotten me thinking.

This may seem silly to some, but I hope you realize that everything that I’m writing, it’s coming from my heart. Not some random pretty words to make myself seem like a better person. Because, I’m not perfect. Although I have some strengths, I also have my weaknesses and shortcomings. There are many things about myself I wish I could change, but are so engrained into me that it’ll be difficult. But what I believe is important, is the ability to admit your weaknesses. To admit your shortcomings. It’s when you can admit these things, when you can truly accept yourself as who you are, and grow as a person. When a wall appears in your path, you have two choices. You can either sit there and whine about how tall it is, or find a way to climb over it.

Life is short. I’ve known this from an early age. What matters is what you choose to do with that life. Sometimes, life’s darkness engulfs you to a point where you see no clarity, no escape. At that point, people will do anything to try to escape. If they can’t… they take their own life, thinking it’s their only way out. Each person is alive for a reason, a purpose. Those who are in that darkness, couldn’t see their own purpose. What you have to remember, is that beyond those darkened clouds, is a sunrise ready to spread its light. You may not be able to see it, but it’s there.

I’ve made mistakes. Most of which, I regret deeply. I’ve done things in my life I’m not proud of. Since I feel it’s important to accept who you are, I’ll admit there were honestly times where I wanted to give up. On everything. Life.. myself.. In those times, neither of those things mattered. To this day, I’m still not sure what got me out of it. I suppose, somewhere deep down… there was a shred of hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, it’ll get better. There are times in life when you have no choice but to be optimistic. Hope is real, and rescue is possible. Whenever you feel the desire to give up on everything.. don’t keep it to yourself. Talk to someone, anyone. A friend, parent, anyone who will listen.

That brings me to my next idea. Ever since I was little, I had a philosophy for life. It may seem cheesy, but it’s something I try to remember. Each of our lives are like a book. Everything we do, say, everything we go through gets written down. Happy times… sad times.. everything. Even if it seems like we’re stuck in a rut, we have the ability to alter it, even if just a little. Why? Because each fresh page is a new chance. A chance to alter that story. Whether or not it’s a good alteration is up to you, the author. Everyone has a story to tell. When you connect with people, you learn each others stories, hopes, and dreams. It’s when you find common ground when you finally realize that you’re not alone in this world.

Each story, each life, is equally important. You can only learn to love others if you can first learn to love yourself. If someone looks like they’re about to give up on themselves, spread love. Let them know that they’re not alone, that they’re important and loved. Most of all, lend an ear. Hear their story. Even when broken, a person can be healed.

And that’s what I want to do with my life, what I feel is my purpose. I want to have the ability to spread that love, to heal others. Even if something happens that cripples me, if I can positively impact a life in any way, I’ll be able to feel that I’m a person worth being. I’ll slip up. I’ll make mistakes. These things are only human, and bound to happen. In the end, all that matters is that you can learn from those mistakes, and try to make yourself a better person.

I want to study Psychology and music for this purpose. I want to see smiles on people’s faces, and know that I myself put them there. I’m very interested in music therapy. Using my flute and music to heal people. Not only does it blend my two favourite things (psychology and flute), but it’ll give me a feeling of self worth.

I never once thought that a simple quote from an anime would impact me so much.

“We’re born for the sake of happiness, but we keep living for the happiness of others.”

Spread love. Rescue is possible. Love others. Love yourself. Accept who you are, despite your weaknesses and shortcomings.

Write your own life’s story, one you can truly be proud of.

- Emily -

I still want to go into psychology. I just really hope it helped at least one person. I feel helpless. Watching my friends be miserable isn’t my favourite thing in the world. I love you all. I really do. You know I’m here for any of you if you need it. <3

I may not always be able to help myself, but the least I can do is try to keep myself together enough to help someone else.

- Pikachu.